Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
