but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
