Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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