i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
