hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
