dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
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He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
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Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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