Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
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