I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
