Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
