ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
