Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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