wakey wakey hands off snakey
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
My feet surprised me
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
