Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
