this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
