Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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