Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Randomize