2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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