Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
