My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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