oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
