Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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