So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
