Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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