There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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