Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
