mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
