You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
So much rum. So many feels.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
