No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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