I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
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They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
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Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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