Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
