that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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