Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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