why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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