Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
