why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
