yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
