wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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