meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
