he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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