i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
