and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Randomize
