A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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