I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
