He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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