I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
