you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
This gyro tastes like lonliness
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
