I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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