Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
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