i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
