no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Randomize
