Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
