i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
