if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
