have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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